What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 30.06.2025 01:37
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
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And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
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And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
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Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I couldn’t, believe it.
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Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He knew the spot.
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Who then, do I blame.?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
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He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I could never make a relationship work though!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
So whats the point in blame.
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He was dying to do it , i knew.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
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On the 31st of Jan this month .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She was in good health!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
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He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
This is soul school!.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Im still living with it.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Ive learnt so much.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
We all went to grammer schools
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I was scared of men, in general
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
My life is so biszare .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Especially a lifetime of it.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I waited trembling.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I will be 64.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But ive been too sick for many years..
As i do to all so called friends.?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Would this be the day?
So, i spoilt her more .
I think the readers, may guess!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Was to survive, this bastard.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
When she asked me how she looked .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
It was going to be , some day.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I was seconnd youngest,
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
All the time i was locked up.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My family never makes their pension either.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But, we were locked up after school.
I have no regrets .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She found it foreign!.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
What did i know ?
Why did i forgive my father ?
One cannot live in the past .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I don,t even have a pension.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I write beautiful poetry .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But it wasn’t much.
I was very sick at this time too.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Im dying but, im not bitter.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
We were not on the streets..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I never cut or harmed myself..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And i lived it daily.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He resisted the act ,that day.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She wouldn,t have been !
(And it was in our own minds.)
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I was 9 years of age.
I said to her
She married twice! .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Put me off passion for life!!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She loved him until the end.
Comes on , in middle age.